Finding the new normal

Well, it's been another long while since posting to this blog (aka online journal).  What can I say?  I'm a great procrastinator.  It's one of my many talents... 


I can't believe that it's been almost 3 years since the Cancer diagnosis.  My, how time flies.  There were moments back then during those really dark days that I thought I would never get to where I am now.  One, I passed the language requirement ... IN LATIN, bitches!  Ferusa!!!  Two, I'm starting to feel better ... somewhat normal ... almost like my old self.  


But that old self is dead and buried under a year and a half of intense chemo, radiation, and so many surgeries that I've lost count.  I still don't have nipples.  I'm sure that detail is TMI for some, but those people shouldn't be reading MY blog.  I remember crying hysterically in the Highlands Oncology office with Dr. Beck and his awesome oncology nurse, Shannon.  I was bawling about cancer having taken EVERYTHING from me.  I had just found out that I would be going through 12 weeks of radiation/5 days a week.  "12 weeks!!! 12 whole weeks!?  That's an entire semester!!!  Cancer has taken EVERYTHING from me!!!!" I blubbered.  I had been told that I would be stuck in radiation immediately after suffering through almost 6 months of chemo.  I thought I'd get some kind of break between the two, but no...you have to roll from one right into another.  At least, in my case you did.  I had a nasty kind of infiltrative/invasive cancer ...


I'm sure those oncology people have heard it all, seen it all, and cleaned up some mighty messes; yet, we all think it's something new when it happens to us.  After pitching a bitch that any self-respecting 5 year old brat would've been proud of, Shannon calmly said, "Andy, cancer hasn't taken everything.  You're still here, and look how you're fighting."  That shut me up. She was right.


Cancer didn't take everything.  Yeah, it took my hair.  My eyebrows.  My eyelashes.  Most of my good looks ... and it took my nipples.  (yeah, I'm still lamenting the loss of those rather odd accouterments)  I'm still here.  And, surprisingly, I'm finding the 'new normal.'  My very wise and very sweet oncology nurse said it would happen.  Shannon told me that nothing will ever be the same, but that I'll find this supposed 'new normal.'  She was right.  And, it's here.


I mean, don't get me wrong.  I'm still in treatment.  My stomach and GI tract is only a couple of shades better than when I was in chemo.  But, I'm learning what NOT to eat, and how to treat this body of mine.  I'm still learning a lot.  And, I'm still addicted to sugar and caffeine.  Yet, I know that while I gave up a lot to get this far, I'll need to give up more to get where I want to be.  


I'm still getting used to the patchwork quilt of skin and scars that is my chest.  I'm also dealing with an increasingly uncomfortable side effect of losing my lymph nodes: that evil bastard, lymphedema.  Yeah, they took most of my left upper lymph nodes.  And, even though I lost that too, I didn't lose everything.  I still have the other lymph nodes in my body to act as a filter of sorts.  It is a bitch that I can't take a 5 hour ride to Batesville without my arm swelling up and looking like an Easter ham.  Yeah, it's a pain (literally) that I can't wear my favorite halter top without wincing pain and swelling. And, screw that suffering for fashion bullshit.  


One thing I learned: Yes, while it is darkest before dawn (and all those other cliches), you only have taken away what you're willing to lose.  I was willing to part with my nipples, my big boobs, my cleavage and curviness to be here now and to tell my own tale of woe.  


Cancer sucks.  It's a bitch and I've called that effing disease more names more times than a drunken sailor calls a cab.  Life is what you make it.  I've made mine last this long.  I'm halfway through a PhD (and stuck it out full-time even in the midst of chemo/radiation/surgeries) and can finally see the light at the end of my U-A tunnel.  I took and passed a year of Latin crammed into a sweltering summer 5 1/2 week session.  I finally got the teaching assistantship ... the year I reached the lifetime limit for student loans ironically enough.  Better late than never, is what I'm thinking.  That whole 'it's darkest before dawn' crap is true.  


And, Life IS beautiful, y'all!  Thanks for being here for me.  See?  I didn't lose everything, did I?!